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I appreciate each and every thought and prayer. I know you all mean well. I know I have a fur baby but I’m not a mother and don’t want to be told Happy Mother’s Day…I don’t deserve it. I love my puppy and although it can be similar to having a human child at times, it’s not the same. I have so much respect for all the mother’s out there and I don’t mean just the mother’s who have had children biologically. Today I feel an overwhelming sadness for several reasons everyday for the last few months I’ve been struggling more than usual (another reason I haven’t been writing) with being childless (especially today), I’m missing my mother although I’m thanking God she is just a phone call away, and for my family and friends who do not have their mother today to share with.
I wrote the first paragraph on Mother’s Day a couple of weeks ago and decided not to post it because I felt so angry and I did not want to be negative on joyous occasion. Well Mother’s Day has came and gone; however, I cannot shake this feeling. I have not posted in months because I was afraid to write the truth. I am supposed to be this positive person and making the best out of my situation because honestly it could be worse. Well the truth is I don’t fell positive lately. I feel defeated. Infertility has won. I pray that this temporary but I feel so empty. I have thrown myself into school and work just to make the weeks go by faster and keep my mind occupied. I don’t want to feel or think. I smile and act happy at work. People think I don’t have a care in the world. I’m starting to feel like I should accept my life how it is without being a mother. I know that God has the ultimate say and I’m not giving up on my faith but maybe it’s not his will for me. And maybe that’s what I have to accept. He doesn’t have to bless me with a child. These last few months have been such a test as I see almost everyone getting pregnant or having a baby. I mean its like almost everyone I know. Listen, I am truly truly happy for everyone’s blessing. I am genuinely wholeheartedly excited for my family and friends when they receive their blessing. I don’t want to take anything from their happiness its just that with every who is pregnant or giving birth it takes a little piece of me. That is no way shape or form me being against them but me against myself. It is my own struggle within. I start questioning myself all over “what’s wrong with you?” “Are you punishing me God?” “Please guide me dear Lord.”
On Mother’s Day I was feeling so low. I just wanted to be alone. I listened to God and I sat still that day. I was so emotional. I cried. I watched TV. I ate. And I cried again. Its so mind blowing that in the professional part of my life I am so happy and in private I’m really not ok. My marriage and my health are suffering. People looking in think that the life I live is great which I agree that I am extremely blessed in so many ways. However, there is a void in my life that I cannot even begin to fill. I think the idea of being childless is becoming more real as my birthday approaches I know my chances of conceiving decreases dramatically. Once again I know God has the final say so but I cannot deny the reality of what may be my future.
Today I want to feel everything. I have to stop trying to ignore my feelings. I know it will not last. I know that I will be ok. Today I don’t want encouragement. Today I just want to be…..
I apologize for grammatical errors today. I had to write exactly how I was feeling without concentrating on perfecting a sentence.
This has absolutely nothing to do with PCOS. I am procrastinating Patty! These last two weeks have been overwhelming for me. Not because of some life altering event that happened. Simply, I have been procrastinating because of sleep,work,school, blah, blah, blah, or whatever else excuse sounds good. I am currently in full force mode have to play catch up the last few days. I said all of this to say I apologize I have not been writing. I have been working on the next post but I had to do a little research. Plus in between my procrastinating I have a few experiences to share that deal directly with PCOS.
I never knew that telling the world something so private could be so therapeutic and so draining at the same time. It takes a lot of energy to be ‘brave’…which I say in the most humble way. I just wanted to tell my story to educate men and women. I never thought of myself before this as brave or inspiring. I have always been inspired by the people that I love and adore. I want to thank all of you who have sent emails, texts, phone calls, and comments. I LOVE the support and I never imagined the response I have received. You all motivate and inspire me. Let’s continue to support and encourage one another. I cannot thank you enough!! I love you all!!
Procrastinating Patty is now procrastinating here again because I don’t feel like reading another 30 pages or going through the drama of getting prepared for bed. So I do what I do best let my thoughts and over analyzing take over and procrastinate a little more. I have riled myself all up feeling emotional and wanting to hug the world. This only gives me more time to “spare” . My brothers would laugh at me now and tell me “stop being so sensitive” and my big cousin would tell me to “stop whining”.
“We are not born to live in turmoil. We are born to live in peace and freedom, giving and receiving, loving and being loved. You might ask, “So what goes wrong?” Lessons. In our peaceful, loving freedom, we must learn lessons which will eventually make us stronger, wiser and better people.” Iyanla Vanzant
Tonight will be short. I just wanted to simply say this quote by sister Iyanla is on point right now for so many reasons. Not just for me, but my family, and friends we are all going through so much. Life lessons can definitely get the best of us. So we must continuously encourage one another and ourselves. I am thanking God for all his blessings and future blessings (a good girlfriend taught me to that…invaluable…thank God for future blessings!) This past week has been emotional I was 13 days late starting my cycle. Although I knew better I took a pregnancy test anyways because I cried at work when a little old man gave me chocolate! The last few weeks I have been super emotional. After the pregnancy test came back negative I cried again. I was hoping it was my moment that “miracle baby”. This one incident of a negative test that I already knew would be negative devastated me…again. How many times has my cycle been late or non-existent? Countless. PCOS got the best of me THAT DAY. I know God has something destined for me. My lessons are all preparing me for God’s divine plan. Please know that whatever you are going through, whatever lessons you are faced with at this moment, He is preparing you for your victory. Now when you are getting weak and that lesson has come remember it is to make you stronger, wiser, and better. We may not know all the answers why this or that has happened but we must trust in God.
God thank you for all that you do. God thank you for all that you will do. God thank you for keeping my family strong even in their weakness right now. Thank you for all of our tears that you will wipe. Although, our hearts will always have emptiness thank you for fulfilling that emptiness with precious memories. Thank you for blessing us with each other so we can continue to bless others. Thank your for the past, present, and future.
Gross huh? Yes this is MY chin. Yes this is PCOS in the flesh for you, literally. One of the main symptoms of PCOS is called hirsutism excessive hair growth on women where hair does not traditionally grow or is minimal. Although I’m extremely embarrassed to show this I want to be very candid and honest. One of my best male friends will probably text me after this post and say “I always knew you were a man!” LOL Its friends like him and family that keep me going. I know I’m not alone in this. I know there are so many women dealing with the “chin hair blues”. Some of you who may not even have PCOS but know that the best lighting is in your car with your visor mirror down anytime between 7:30am and 4:30pm on a beautiful sunny day! Or the mirror at work with the fluorescent lights! When I used to be a flight attendant I would go into the laboratories and come out with the cleanest shave!! LOL (Of course this was after I was done with my shift) “Chin hair blues” make you keep your tweezers around like your license or credit card! I don’t leave home without it! Now I know some of you are “pluckers”, “waxers”, or “shavers”. I am a professional “plucker”. I have tried waxing and I’m too scared to shave. I’ve thought about electrolysis. That’s all it has ever been was a thought. Now some of us have chin hair and a mustache (raises hand). Now when it comes it to the mustache I’m ‘scurred’ I leave my baby ‘stache’ alone! I’m always open to suggestions….
I can remember one of my first fertility appointments the doctor sat down with me for a consultation he looked at me and said “I see your facial hair. Have you ever been diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome?” I laughed a little to myself “why he looking at my beard?” I was diagnosed with PCOS in 2003 after one of my cysts ruptured. I saw my OB-GYN and she explained nothing about what the condition was and prescribed birth control as remedy to control it. I went on my merry way for the next seven years not knowing what I was dealing with. Now I was sitting with this doctor checking out my beard telling me that PCOS along with my endometriosis (I will save that topic for another day) was contributing to me not conceiving. It wasn’t until I was with my military sisters (other military wives) for an outing and was asked the famous “no kids yet?” I opened up about my fertility woes. One of them explained she and her husband had tried for ten years to get pregnant and she had PCOS. She was the first person to educate me on exactly what PCOS entailed. She was the type of woman who was knowledgeable on all things and because she had PCOS she was going to find out everything about it. It was then that I learned of the hormonal aspect of PCOS and being insulin resistant. Once I began doing my research for myself from the websites she directed me to I became engrossed in the information I found. It was as if someone had been watching me the last decade and writing about it all over the Internet. My crazy hormonal rages before my cycles, this pain that would make me crawl up in the fetal position every month with or without menstruating, the missed cycles up to nine months, the inconsistent period here or there, the fluctuating weight. For years I thought the pain was normal and every woman experienced. I actually thought most of it was normal. Now I can’t blame all the pain on PCOS. Endometriosis was the real culprit of the pain but PCOS would have me so tender especially on my right side near my ovaries. I learned so much about myself and how my body was responding. I still did not want to accept it or use it, as what I thought was an excuse. So I did what we women do best I didn’t deal with it. Now here I am 3 years later after finding out all the information, a little over 10 years after being diagnosed with PCOS that I’m ready to “deal” with it the condition. There is no cure. I have to live with it…I’m ready to embrace it.
That day I also gained something so beautiful I learned what hope was because after those ten years of her and hubby trying they had a beautiful baby girl. I hope she reads this and realize the hope she instilled in me and the inspiration to start this journey… THANK YOU
Well family and friends here it is the “Big Reveal”…. I’m not pregnant! I know most of you were hoping that me being pregnant was the big surprise. However, the big news is the exact opposite. I have PCOS which causes infertility in women. PCOS stands for polycystic ovarian syndrome. It is a condition occurring in women of reproductive age. It is a hormonal disorder that can cause excessive hair growth (especially on the face, chin, and chest of females), acne, infrequent, prolonged,or no menstrual cycles, obesity and infertility. It can be sometimes diagnosed by the presence of small cysts on the ovaries.
So why announce to everyone? Two reasons. One, after being married almost five years the question comes up daily and I’m tired of trying to explain ;). Two, and the most important reason, is nearly 7 million women in the United States have PCOS and countless others have PCOS and do not even know. I want to educate everyone on this condition that effects so many people. The knowledge of how to treat and cope with PCOS is invaluable. It could possibly save marriages and friendships. Not using it as an excuse but PCOS can make you well…bitchy. Educating people can also save lives since PCOS can cause type 2-Diabetes and heart disease. PCOS makes most women insulin resistant even if they do not have a family history of diabetes. The cause of PCOS is unknown and it can occur in all women of any race. I want to impact the lives of women, help support other women with PCOS, and infertility.
I’ve wanted to be a mother as long as I can remember. I think its the bond that I have with my mother and watching my aunts with their children. In my family mother and aunt are one in the same. I have longed for that same bond where my little ones will look up to me and love me unconditionally. So the husband and I decided to conceive a few years ago so we started seeking fertility treatment. This has been the most triumphant roller-coaster ride I’ve ever been on. Tears, blood (literally), sweat, more tears then down right wailing, fights, break-ups, envy, smiles, joy, happiness, depression, anger, soul-searching,quitting, then trying again, separation, tears again, love, finding peace, losing weight, gaining weight, and more tears.
I want to share my journey with the world. So please visit the site regularly. Learn, laugh, love, and cry with me…